It’s hot in Europe right now. Like, really hot. It’s so hot that every time I stand up from sitting down, I leave another puddle, exposing my perpetual swamp ass to the world. I’ve taken four cold showers today, yet I still stink. Every time I accidentally come into contact with other human flesh, I instantly recoil in disgust. The boiling temperature is turning me into a kind of moist vampire. Pretty much all of Europe is sweating its balls off right now. At the time of writing this, the top trending search results in the App Store are almost…

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